


argh, stop fucking swearing in front of my kids

by DestinysBounty (MVPYurio), whichlights



Series: evergreen [8]
Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Card Games, Fae & Fairies, Flirting, Fluff, Latin, M/M, Vampires, pirate uno, useless fluff chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-01 04:54:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12149040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MVPYurio/pseuds/DestinysBounty, https://archiveofourown.org/users/whichlights/pseuds/whichlights
Summary: Lloyd and Company and Kids end up tied up in a game of Pirate Uno.It's all Alexis' fault.





	argh, stop fucking swearing in front of my kids

“Okay, okay, explain this to me again. What is this ‘pirate’ game you speak of?”

“Okay, so it’s called Pirate Uno,” Alexis said for the fifth time at least. “It’s a spinoff of this human game called Uno—okay, does everyone who’s lived in the human world know that game at least?”

“I’ve heard of it,” said Micah. “Never played.”

“Last I checked, you weren’t  _ living  _ in the human world when it was invented, so I wasn’t technically asking you.”

“You never said I was there when it was invented!”

“It was implied!”

“No it wasn’t!”

“I know it,” Eliza interrupted. Sam and Jewel both nodded.

“Okay, so for those of you who don’t know, basically you get seven cards and you’re trying to get rid of them all by playing them. And you can only play a card that’s the same color as the card that was just played, or the same number.  If the card says something special on it, you do whatever the card says. If you can’t play a card, you draw one card from the deck and if you can’t play that, it goes to the next person. And if you only have one card left, you have to say Uno. Those are the regular rules. Am I making sense?”

“Yeah, that’s all good,” said Kai. “Where’s the pirate part come in?”

“Yeah, so that’s an extra set of rules,” said Alexis. “Pirate Uno rule number one: if something doesn’t go your way, you say argh. Rule number two: if someone plays a card and you have the exact same one, you can play it, but you have to be quick. Rule number three: there are cards that say either draw two or draw four. Usually, if the person before you plays one of those, you have to draw the cards, but in Pirate Uno, you can either accept your fate or, if you have a draw two or four yourself, you can also play it, and the cards go around and add up until someone either accepts their fate and draws like sixteen or whatever, or doesn’t have any draw two or draw four cards to play. Still making sense?”

“Wait, there’s more?” Jay asked. “How much more is there?”

“Just three more things,” said Alexis. “Pirate Uno rule number four: If you play a seven, you switch hands with someone. Really useful if you have a buttload of cards and the person across from you has three. Really unfortunate if you have two cards and the only one you can play is a seven and you have to give your one card up. Pirate Uno rule number five: if anyone plays a zero, the hands shift to the right. Again, really unfortunate if you’re about to win. And finally, the most important rule of Pirate Uno, rule number six: cheating is  _ encouraged _ , but not  _ allowed _ .”

Eliza’s eyes lit up. “Heck yes.”

“Wait, what do you mean, encouraged but not allowed?” asked Cole.

“This is Pirate Uno,” said Alexis. “Pirates cheat. But if you get caught cheating, you have to draw two.”

“Okay, whoa, hold on,” said Micah. “Half of the people playing are faeries.”

“Hey, nobody is saying that you have to cheat in order to win,” said Alexis. “I played once with some friends and the person who won the most never cheated. Ever. But we should have a strict no-magic-at-the-cards-table rule. And also, no directly asking people if they’re cheating. It’s already annoying when everyone at the table is able to lie, much less when three-quarters of it can’t. Either accuse someone of cheating like a grownup or shut your cakehole.”

“Alexis,” Lloyd hissed, “do you really think it’s appropriate to teach Jewel how to cheat at cards?”

“Papa,” Alexis said loudly, “Jewel is part faerie. He was bound to learn how to cheat at cards eventually. Would you rather it be Uncle Kai?”

“I resent that,” Kai muttered.

“I want to learn how to cheat at cards,” Jewel said.

“Thanks, Jewel, means a lot to me.” Alexis clapped her hands together. “Who can shuffle cards?”

Everyone looked at Micah. “I… can’t.”

“You’ve been alive for five hundred plus years,” Lloyd said.

“So have you!”

“Yah, but you actually. Participate in the human world.”

“I can’t shuffle cards. Cheat, yes, shuffle, no. Also, tip, never cheat at cards in Vegas.”

“Micah what the fuck why did you do that?”

“Uh, few too many drinks and a craving for action. Also, never play poker with another man’s money.”

“I can shuffle cards,” Zane said loudly. “Give me the deck.”

Alexis handed him the deck. “Kai, your boyfriend is cool.”

“As ice.” Kai grinned.

“That was the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” Jay declared.

“Oh, please,” Lloyd retorted. “Like you don’t regularly make the worst puns out of all of us.”

“Micah makes bad puns, and you never make fun of those.”

Lloyd coughed. “Let’s just get started, shall we.”

Zane passed out the cards to Kai, Jay, Cole, Lloyd, Nya, Micah, and the kids. The beginning number was a blue two, that Micah immediately threw another blue two on top of before Kai could play. “Alright, I’m done commandeering your turn, carry on.”

“Oh, that’s what that one meant.” Kai pulled a blue six from his hand and played it.

“Well, if we’re having a blue party…” Jay caused a flash of blue lightning to crackle around him before playing a blue eight.

“Yeah, yeah, you think you’re all that,” Cole muttered before playing a blue three.

“I do,” said Jay. “Fight me.”

“Okay, that lightning thing was kind of the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Sam, playing a red three. “How’d you do that?”

“I just… do?” Jay asked. “Kinda comes naturally. Zane does it with ice—that was why Kai made that pun. Kai is fire. Cole is earth.”

“Does that mean he shoots dirt bombs at people?” Jewel asked. “That’s…”

“For your  _ information,  _ I make  _ earthquakes,  _ thank you very much,” Cole interrupted. “And they’re pretty cool ones at that.”

“And then there’s Lloyd, who basically is an asshole and can do all of the shit we can do,” said Kai.

“Kai! Don’t swear in front of my children!” Lloyd chastised.

“Sorry. Then there’s Lloyd, who basically is a jerk and can do all of the shit we can do.”

_ “Kai!” _

“It’s true,” said Zane, playing a green three on top of Eliza’s eight. “Lloyd has a general handle on multiple elements, including all of ours.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Kai. “Jack of all trades, master of none.”

“But often-times better than master of one,” said Micah. Everyone stared at him. “What? That’s how the saying originally ended.” Lloyd smirked in satisfaction. “Doesn’t mean you get to be a dick about it.”

_ “Micah!” _

Micah shrugged and put down an eight. “So what’s with you four? I mean, how did you meet?”

“It’s a very funny story, actually, that involves Kai’s ridiculous haircut and a few swords-” Jay started.

“And skeletons. Can’t forget the skeletons,” Cole pointed out.

“Oh, or the squirrel.”

“Cole danced,” Zane added. 

“It’s a very long story,” Kai finished, tossing down a seven. “And I want Eliza’s deck.”

Eliza grumbled and passed over her cards. Kai whistled. “I like this game.”

“How do I cheat?” Jewel asked. Micah opened his mouth to answer, and Lloyd glared at him. Glared. 

“I do not know. That would be wrong,” Micah finally said, putting his hands in his lap. “Alexis, draw two.”

Alexis stuck her tongue out at him and placed another draw two. It was a draw fourteen by the time it ended up at Sam. 

“Arg,” he muttered. “This is bullshit.”

“Language!” Lloyd said, mortified. “Who taught you such bad words!”

“You did!”

Lloyd groaned and banged his head on the table.  “Argh.”

“Papa, Sam’s fourteen,” said Eliza. “He probably knew the word ‘bullshit’ anyway.”

“Even  _ I  _ know that word,” said Jewel.

“I’m a failure as a parent,” Lloyd muttered.

“Whoa, hold on,” said Kai. “Eliza, I saw you hide that card. Draw two.”

“Eliza Marie Whatever Your Last Name Is!” Lloyd scolded as his daughter sheepishly took her card back and drew two for cheating.

“It’s Pirate Uno!” Eliza whined. “Alexis said cheating is encouraged!”

“Yes, but not allowed!”

In their bickering and Alexis’s careful re-explaining, nobody noticed Kai, Cole, and Micah all hide at least three cards each.

“Okay, I just played a zero,” Nya said loudly.

“OH THANK GOD,” said Sam. “To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right—”

“—Argh,” Jewel muttered, taking Sam’s enormous stack.

“No way you’re playing that red three or that blue six I just gave you, Zane,” Eliza said loudly as she played a skip. Zane’s  _ argh  _ was barely noticeable.

“I was so excited to say Uno,” he mumbled.

“Anyone here speak Latin?” Micah asked casually. 

“French,” Sam said. “It’s similar.”

“No one else? I can insult all of you and you wouldn’t know.” Micah grinned. “ _ Pulcher, Lloyd, es, et te amo, aut aliquid similiter ille _ .”

“Okay, what the fuck did you just say?” Lloyd demanded.

“You smell funny, Lloyd, and you look like a squid, or something like that… or something like that.” Micah grinned. “Now draw two; you just tried to play two cards as one.”

Lloyd grumbled, and the game continued.

In the end,  Jewel won,  playing his final red eight with a triumphant smirk. “Nice going, Jewel!” said Alexis. “Okay, so now we all confess our sins. I hid a couple cards…”

“A couple?!” Lloyd stared as Alexis pulled out a sizable handful of cards. “That’s more than a couple!”

“Pffft, that’s child’s play,” said Kai. He snapped his fingers and a pile of cards larger than the discard pile appeared in his hand. “I promise I didn’t use magic to hide them. But I don’t want anyone to know my secret hiding place.”

Jay gaped at Kai as he pulled out his own stack—respectable, but not anywhere near as large. “Have I ever told you that seeing you reveal how great you are at cheating at cards is  _ really _ hot?”

“Like fire?” Kai asked innocently.

Cole’s stack was about the same size as Jay’s. Sam pulled out about seven hidden cards and said that he’d played a few cards at once a few times.

“We skip Jewel because winner goes last,” said Alexis. “Papa, time to see how big a hypocrite you are.”

“Well, you all saw me  _ fail  _ at cheating—”

“Papa. Show us your stack.”

Lloyd sighed and revealed his stack. Slightly bigger than Jay’s and Cole’s. “That’s definitely bigger than mine,” said Alexis. “Hypocrite.”

“Yeah, yeah. Nya?”

“I didn’t cheat at all,” said Nya.

“Ooof course you didn’t,” said Kai. “Booo-ring. Next!”

“I cheated a little,” said Eliza, holding up her stack. “I’m a better pirate than Sam!”

“Yeah, cuz you look all sweet and innocent,” said Sam. “Nobody expects you to cheat.”

“I take offense.”

Zane revealed his stack, which rivaled Lloyd’s. “For the record, I noticed when each and every one of you cheated, but I didn’t call any of you out. You’re quite welcome.”

“Even when I did it?!” Kai sputtered.

“Especially when you did it.”

“Balls.”

_ “Kai!” _

“I thought I was gonna be the best at this cheating thing,” Micah sighed, revealing his stack… of five cards. “But then again, I’m playing with faeries.”

“Well, that leaves Jewel,” said Alexis. “Well, li’l winner? How good a pirate are you?”

Jewel smirked triumphantly, and revealed all of the cards he had had to take from Sam. “Can’t believe none of you noticed how quickly I got rid of these to win.”

“That’s my boy!” Kai beamed. “Don’t worry, kiddo. I’ll teach you how to become an even better cheater.”

“Kai…”

“Shush, Lloyd. Your son is a natural. This is just part of being a faerie.”

“Argh.”

_ “Pulcher es ubi illud agis,”  _ Micah said quietly, staring at Lloyd.

“Okay, seriously, what are you saying?” Lloyd asked.

“That you’re a smelly loser,” Micah said airily. “Listen, I should go. Ari needs me to help her with a thing at home, and solar noon is in just a few minutes.”

“Awwww,” Sam whined. “I wanted you to stay for dinner.”

“I know, I know,” said Micah, gently ruffling Sam’s hair. “I’ll be back soon, I promise.”

“Promise!” Sam begged. “It’s not as much fun when you’re not here. Papa gets all sulky.”

“I—” Lloyd winced as his vocal chords locked.

“He does,” said Eliza, snickering. “Wish you and Ari just lived here. It’d be way better.”

“That’s nice of you,” said Micah. He planted a kiss on Eliza’s forehead. “But seriously, I do have to go. I’ll be back.”

“Want me to walk you back to the faerie ring?” Lloyd asked.

Micah nodded, eyes shining softly. “Sure, greenie.”

The entire walk to the faerie ring, their hands were twined together. Neither spoke.

“When’re you gonna come back?” Lloyd asked.

“Text me,” said Micah. “I’ll be there.”

“What if that’s tomorrow?”

“Then I’ll be there.”

“Micah?”

“Yeah?”

“What did you really say earlier?”

“Sorry, greenie,” said Micah. “That’s my secret.”

With that, he stepped into the faerie ring and vanished, leaving Lloyd alone and in want of a Latin dictionary.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblrs!
> 
> witchlightsands (rose)
> 
> she-doesnt-even-ninjagohere and mod allura on queenshippingofficial (lia)


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